wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then