I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math