I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
You Might Also Like
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot