You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
You Might Also Like
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.