You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
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I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.