My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
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If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.