I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
went fishing caught a bass
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?