Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Ovenable?
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.