*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
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[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
what’s the point then??
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.