I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man