when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
You Might Also Like
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach