I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
This is me
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.