my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order