Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….