*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
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I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages