Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“you changed” bro i was 15
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Banana is the quietest snack
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.