I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
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So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.