*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
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I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
this is the best day of my life
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel