I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
We avoided this particular disaster
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today