Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
quarantine day 3
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.