her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas