SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.