My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
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ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.