If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
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i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
good work, everybody
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??