If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
You Might Also Like
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
How actors in movies eat their food
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The sacred texts.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
New tinder profile pic
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad