I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
You Might Also Like
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.