Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
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Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood