Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays