8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
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I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up