In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
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Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.