scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
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Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I am also baked goods
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.