‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Who does Amazon think I am?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*