I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.