me adding lol on a serious message
You Might Also Like
Money is the root of all wealth
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
So sick of all these stupid rules
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.