no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
how long have you had this for?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should