Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
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A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”