My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
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*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I’m calling the cops.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.