I needed a laugh this morning.
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FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
water it, i dare you
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Candles never taste the way they smell
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty