Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
excuse me
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.