All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have