my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*