*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Baller is short for ballerina
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools