Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
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my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
#ProTip
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t