I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
any last words?