Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Who.
Did.
This?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”