“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
We have a winner.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick