me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
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me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
New menu item
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.