ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.