Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“I FIXED IT!”
The fall of Netflix