Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.